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In the movie Lost in Translation there is a scene in which Bill Murray's character explains that, upon having your first child, "your life as you know it is gone...never to return." The movie has been one of my favorites for years. I just wish that I had known he meant my life.

In early 2010, I gave birth to the world's most perfect child. (Is there a parent who doesn't think his/her child is the world's most perfect?) In addition to being beautiful, he is brilliant and sweet and funny and hands-down the best thing that will ever happen to me. This kid is my entire world. I had somehow suspected through most of my life that he would be, which is why I fought very hard to have him. But about the post-childbirth apocalypse, I had absolutely no clue.

To say things have changed would be misleading. EVERYTHING has changed. Most of it has been good--some not so great--but everything is without a doubt different. And now the world changes once again. My little family and I find ourselves journeying from the big city to beautiful, calm Montana. Will the change be for the better? As with anything, the answer is sometimes "yes," sometimes "no," and always sought with massive quantities of hope. Come with me as I navigate the roads from fast-paced, big-city lawyer to Montana Momhood. Is there a line that can be walked? We'll see. But I can guarantee, at a minimum, it will be an adventurous road trip....

Friday, March 18, 2011

Tough Questions

When I started this blog, I intended to ask (myself and you) some tough questions.  I have sort of strayed from that idea because the questions are...you know...tough.  Well, today I have a doozy.

Phil.  But not really my friend Phil.
A few days ago I was talking with a friend (we'll call him "Phil") about the choices we make as parents.  Every day each of us is forced to make hundreds of them.  Sometimes these are choices that are exceptionally tough, particularly if you are a control freak and worry constantly about screwing up your kid in some unfathomable, horrific, society-altering way like Mr. and Mrs. Hitler or whomever gave birth to the woman at Starbucks who tells me to "smile" each morning.  Hypothetically, of course.  The point is--decisions are tougher when they affect other people.  I would imagine that such is also true when you get married.  Suddenly you are making decisions that, if you eff up, may potentially harm someone you love.  And that can make you very, very cautious about how you live your life.

But our discussion went further into after the decision is made.  You've done what you think is best for your child and it's done.  Now what?  My fear, as I voiced to Phil, is that I'm a horrible person at heart and that a small part of me then resents my child.  Not because of anything he did or didn't do--as I may have mentioned, I truly believe that my kid is perfect.  But I fear that in making decisions that I would not have made 2 years ago, I could get all huffy that it's the polar opposite of the single-self me.  For once I am not doing what I want, when I want, and I worry that I'm not a strong enough person to say "cool."  Phil's reaction?  All parents resent their kids.

This sounds exceedingly harsh, but I see his point.  We have kids, each of us for our own reasons.  But certainly (as I have mentioned) I don't believe these reasons are unselfish.  We want unconditional love from our little "mini-mes" and we want to subject the world to another 100 years of us.  But we often don't recognize the price for that (completely worth it) love.  And it's possible a part of us (hopefully a very small part of us) competes for the "whiniest toddler" award, and thinks that's not fair.

And so my question:  do you agree with Phil?  Put another way, do you think that it's impossible to be truly, 100% unselfish and not even a bit feel that your decisions are unaltered by the presence of this gift in your life?
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1 comment:

  1. UnknownMarch 18, 2011 at 10:51 AM

    Well, first of all, you tell Phil that I don't resent my kids at all ever. Yes, indeed there are lots of things I would be able to do if they weren't here but I will get to do those things someday...... And I don't know, but every decision I make right now is based upon what is best for my kids. But that is both right and wrong. Somehow you have to have a balance. And that is why I will be seeking some therapy!

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