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In the movie Lost in Translation there is a scene in which Bill Murray's character explains that, upon having your first child, "your life as you know it is gone...never to return." The movie has been one of my favorites for years. I just wish that I had known he meant my life.

In early 2010, I gave birth to the world's most perfect child. (Is there a parent who doesn't think his/her child is the world's most perfect?) In addition to being beautiful, he is brilliant and sweet and funny and hands-down the best thing that will ever happen to me. This kid is my entire world. I had somehow suspected through most of my life that he would be, which is why I fought very hard to have him. But about the post-childbirth apocalypse, I had absolutely no clue.

To say things have changed would be misleading. EVERYTHING has changed. Most of it has been good--some not so great--but everything is without a doubt different. And now the world changes once again. My little family and I find ourselves journeying from the big city to beautiful, calm Montana. Will the change be for the better? As with anything, the answer is sometimes "yes," sometimes "no," and always sought with massive quantities of hope. Come with me as I navigate the roads from fast-paced, big-city lawyer to Montana Momhood. Is there a line that can be walked? We'll see. But I can guarantee, at a minimum, it will be an adventurous road trip....

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Fan-tabulous Diet Tips

I have to admit, for about 8 months I was a very smug pregnant woman.  Because I am rather Amazonian (a/k/a "tall"), most of the poundage I put on went into very odd places such as my ankles.  For a while.  But toward the end there, there was no place left for the weight to go but EVERYWHERE.  It may have something to do with the fact that I toted around a bag of those mini powdered donuts in my purse.  (Though I swear now that it's the donuts that gave me the cool kid I now have).  I'm actually not kidding--I have friends who will tell the story of a girls' afternoon at the spa during which one of our more hungover members lamented that she had no sustenance to carry her through the day.  Ever being the Girl Scout, I whipped out my bag-o-donuts and saved the day.  And was mocked for...well, I'm still being mocked.  Anyway, it's safe to say that I put on a pound or two.

Yeah, I look nothing like this.
What is very strange is that it sort of came off relatively quickly.  Don't get me wrong--I'm no miracle of science.  I still have a stomach that resembles a balloon filled with cookie dough.  And I don't want to get into the state of my thighs.  And my butt...well, you get the picture.  But overall I was surprised that the weight sort of came off quickly.  And then I realized why.  I would now like to introduce you to the "Fabulous Easy Anyone Can Do It" diet.  It is mainly comprised of...not eating.  At all.  Ta-daaah! 

For the first 4 or so months of my child's life, I simply didn't eat unless reminded to do so.  Between the sleep deprivation and the lack of energy, I just didn't care.  Then I got so used to it, I didn't see the point.  And now?  I get home from work, feed the baby, put him to bed, and fall asleep on the couch.  Eating has no place in my world.  So, see, ladies (and you very sympathetic men)?  It's EASY!  Just never eat again, and all will be well.

And on that note, I would like to sincerely apologize to all of the people who, in my fits of food-less anger, I yelled at, kicked, cussed at, and/or gave a particularly nasty look.  Ok, there may be a side effect or two in this diet thing....  But, man, you'll look good.  Provided, of course you're still wearing maternity clothes.  Yeah, nevermind.
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