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In the movie Lost in Translation there is a scene in which Bill Murray's character explains that, upon having your first child, "your life as you know it is gone...never to return." The movie has been one of my favorites for years. I just wish that I had known he meant my life.

In early 2010, I gave birth to the world's most perfect child. (Is there a parent who doesn't think his/her child is the world's most perfect?) In addition to being beautiful, he is brilliant and sweet and funny and hands-down the best thing that will ever happen to me. This kid is my entire world. I had somehow suspected through most of my life that he would be, which is why I fought very hard to have him. But about the post-childbirth apocalypse, I had absolutely no clue.

To say things have changed would be misleading. EVERYTHING has changed. Most of it has been good--some not so great--but everything is without a doubt different. And now the world changes once again. My little family and I find ourselves journeying from the big city to beautiful, calm Montana. Will the change be for the better? As with anything, the answer is sometimes "yes," sometimes "no," and always sought with massive quantities of hope. Come with me as I navigate the roads from fast-paced, big-city lawyer to Montana Momhood. Is there a line that can be walked? We'll see. But I can guarantee, at a minimum, it will be an adventurous road trip....

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Learning Curve

As I have mentioned a number of times, the past year has been a learning experience for me.  There have been so many lessons, I couldn't possibly keep track of them all.  But there are some that definitely stick with you.  Many are big ones.  For example, there's the "Basics on How to Keep Your Infant Alive" lesson.  This one you figure out fairly quickly.  That, or you end up on TMZ.  Either way--lesson learned.  Likewise, there's the "Patience" lesson--also a big one.  Because let me tell you, no matter how desperately you may need to pee, your child doesn't care.  At all.  Under any circumstances.  Similarly, he or she doesn't care that you just cleaned the floor (hypothetically, of course; God knows I don't believe in the act) and will find it to be a lovely canvas for pudding art work.  So patience is another biggie.

But then there are the more picky lessons that, no matter how often you are taught them, you won't get them.  While I have frequently questioned the fact, I don't think I'm a total idiot.  But some lessons are just...hard for me.  The hardest, by far, is understanding that I am not in charge.  This one even hurts for me to say--I refuse to believe it.  That's not true, actually.  I believe it, but I just don't think that it should apply to me.  Every day, being a parent demonstrates to me that I have absolutely no control over my life any longer.  Want to go for a drink?  Um, I'll have to check with the sitter.  Want to get your child through cold season, disease-free?  Yeah, let me direct you to the section of Walgreens for infant cold "remedies."  Want to pretend that you know what you're doing?  Let's just leave that one at: welcome to parenthood.  And I'm not going to lie--it FREAKING SUCKS.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore being a parent and cannot describe the love I have for my child.  But the lack of control is killing me.  And I just don't seem to understand that there are no books that I can read, no classes I can take, and no advice I can heed to change that. 

So what's a parent to do?  For my two cents, I vote "be delusional."  Pretend you have complete control.  Don't actually try--that one will knock you out.  But pretend you are June or Ward Cleaver, smile at the children, and dream of a world in which you are anything other than completely insane.
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