The Feminist Mystique

From http://www.sheknows.com/

The other night, I caught part of the brilliant film Tootsie on TV.  I hadn't seen it in years, but I remember thinking it was funny when I was a kid.  30 years later, I still think it's funny, but it really hit me this time around how avant garde the movie really was.

Sure, Dustin Hoffman dressing like a woman was somewhat "new" in the early 80s.  But this wasn't what surprised me.  It was the message that women working and being in charge was "new" that really set me off-kilter.  And I realized that it pretty much was new in the early 80s.  Sure, women had been in the workplace for decades, centuries even.  But because I am a child of the 80s, I hadn't really considered the fact that lots of women in high positions of power in the workplace has been something that has taken place within my lifetime.  That's totally surprising to me, because I was of the generation where I was taught that I could do anything and everything.  I assumed it was status quo.  So seeing how close in time things were different was a shock to me.  But perhaps I should have paid more attention as a kid.  Because what came as a big surprise later in life was that there are many who still disagree.  And what surprises me more is that I take no position on the subject.

A good friend of mine is brilliant.  She has a prestigous degree, does great things with her education and, without being overdramatic, she saves the world (literally) on a daily basis.  She also has an adorable, awesome kid and is thinking about staying at home with him for a while.  The problem?  The guilt.  She, too, was told she could do whatever she wanted.  And she set out to conquer the world.  May I add--she succeeded brilliantly.  So why is she made to feel guilty because she wants to focus on her family?  Why should she feel bad because she did it for 5 or 10 years instead of 30?  This one I can't figure out, but I feel it too.  The concept of either of us not working 24/7 (something we have been thrilled to do in the past) is distasteful to us because it is a HUGE change in mental focus.  Moreover, based on the responses of others, it is distasteful to those around us.  Sure, in my situation, I had no choice.  But it doesn't change the fact that, now that I spend time with my son on a daily basis, I get a lot of "when are you going back to never seeing him?"

Sounds a lot like "damned if you do, damned if you don't" to me.  Stay at home moms are skewered for not being "feminist" and working moms are chided for being horrible mothers.  Is there a middle ground?  For all of us, I certainly hope so.  Did we bring it on ourselves?  Probably.  But I wouldn't go back to the 50s, either.  I loved my job and loved working hard.  It's a strange quagmire that, if you really think about it, hasn't been present like this ever in the past.

I guess the answer is that life is long.  Maybe we should view it as a "work in progress."  At a minimum, we should do so to keep our sanity.  It's scary to think that there isn't full security-in a job, in a person, in a belief system.  But it's also freeing.  So, who do you want to be today?