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In the movie Lost in Translation there is a scene in which Bill Murray's character explains that, upon having your first child, "your life as you know it is gone...never to return." The movie has been one of my favorites for years. I just wish that I had known he meant my life.

In early 2010, I gave birth to the world's most perfect child. (Is there a parent who doesn't think his/her child is the world's most perfect?) In addition to being beautiful, he is brilliant and sweet and funny and hands-down the best thing that will ever happen to me. This kid is my entire world. I had somehow suspected through most of my life that he would be, which is why I fought very hard to have him. But about the post-childbirth apocalypse, I had absolutely no clue.

To say things have changed would be misleading. EVERYTHING has changed. Most of it has been good--some not so great--but everything is without a doubt different. And now the world changes once again. My little family and I find ourselves journeying from the big city to beautiful, calm Montana. Will the change be for the better? As with anything, the answer is sometimes "yes," sometimes "no," and always sought with massive quantities of hope. Come with me as I navigate the roads from fast-paced, big-city lawyer to Montana Momhood. Is there a line that can be walked? We'll see. But I can guarantee, at a minimum, it will be an adventurous road trip....

Friday, February 18, 2011

Fear Factor

Things I feared two years ago:  being bored at my job, bad TV, running through the limit on my charge card, the Bears never winning another Super Bowl.
Things I fear now: losing my job, Joan Rivers, making the minimum payment on my charge card, the Bears never winning another Super Bowl, spiders, lightening, crazy people, sane people, glass falling out of skyscrapers, ice, the evening news, the guy in the car next to me....  You get the idea.

Seriously--even this photo scares me
A friend and I were just discussing how irrational we have become now that we are each parents.  Well, ok fine--how much more irrational we have become.  She mentioned that she absolutely hates flying.  A key part of her career, she used to be fine jetting from one location to another for work.  But now that she has a beautiful little girl, she is impaired to the point of tears on all outbound flights.  I, in turn, shared my even crazier phobia:  during thunder storms, I hover over my son's crib in an effort to stop any stray lightening bolts from coming through the roof and venturing even within feet of him.  I apparently fashion myself akin to the mother of Harry Potter--able to throw myself in front of the evil danger that lurks toward my child (and if I just gave away any part of Harry Potter to one of you who has not read it, my bad and welcome to the year 2000).  In sum, I am a now a great big scaredy cat. 

These crazy fears, while inconveniently irrational and occasionally debilitating, are (I hope) signs of growth.  I now give a crap whether I exist or not.  This primordial urge to survive in order to protect my offspring is pretty damn terrifying--and pretty damn cool.  Am I more prepared for life?  I doubt it.  In fact, I am fairly certain it prevents me from making decisions and taking the necessary, sure steps that were so easy for me in my former life.  I now watch where I go, constantly looking for the monsters that lurk in our daily existence.  But do I feel more like a badass?  Absolutely.  So bring it on, Voldemort.  Bring.  It.  On.
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