My Child Makes Me Feel Like a Kid

Simply put, my child makes me feel like a kid.  I mean this in a few different ways, really.  Of course there's the basic child in me who loves to play and finally has a playmate.  I was a bit of a loner as a youngster and while I preferred the company of adults to people my age, I also had a streak that I sometimes wonder if it held back from going completely "kid" like it could.  So now, in essence, I have a pal.  I have heard a mother or two complain about how her husband or partner thinks the second childhood is the only part of being a parent.  When discussing the topic of whether to have children, his eyes glaze over and he imagines afternoons in the park and nights of hide-and-go-seek.  Yeah, well, that was me.  I imagined those things with my kid.  I loved having a baby, but I have been having a blast since he has been able to walk, run, babble and chase.  He's an awesome buddy. 

Then there are the toys.  I know I have been griping about how MANY of them there are, but it's only because I love them.  All of them.  I once sent a photo to my friends of a giraffe I made out of blocks one night when he went to bed.  The other day he got a cool Toy Story 3 scooter from his Aunt Jaime.  The front lights up and Buzz Lightyear spins around.  It rocks.  He loves it.  I love it more.  The only sad part is I can't play with it after dark for fear of waking him.  I wish I were kidding.

Yesterday's client meeting.

But then there's the kid part that I have touched on a bit in other posts here.  Having a child brings out the fear and self-doubt akin only to being a pre-teen.  It's very strange.  I find myself questioning the very things that I built a life around being confident about.  And I do that primarily because I am terrified.  I will stand up, state my name for the group, and fully admit that I was one of those delusionals who seriously thought that my life would not change much upon having a baby.  Yeah, well, as you can see, it did.  But what I really didn't understand was that it would change things I couldn't--the way others viewed me, what I needed (really needed) to get by, and the like.  And that is what is scariest of all.  That insecure, I-just-had-braces-put-on, feeling is back and it brought with it a full face of acne and a flat chest.  And it's not pretty.

I'm sure it's the unknown that is the familiar feeling.  None of us likes that, particularly when we are trying desperately to make our loved ones happy.  But I'm left with the questions: will I grow out of it?  Will I ever feel confident in this new role?  Will he notice if I swipe his favorite stuffed puppy tonight? 
Hard to raise a child when you feel like a kid.

The Never-Ending Pop Quiz

Over the past few months I have received what will undoubtedly be the greatest compliments I could get.  In sum, it has been commented that my child seems to be a really happy baby.  I truthfully understand that this likely has very little to do with me.  But I also believe that I could have screwed this up to the maximum degree and the kid could have been a real-life Chucky.  So that's it, right?  Test passed, problems solved?  Um, I'm starting to think not....

In my job for the most part there are problems and there are solutions.  There are tasks that need to be taken care of and they have set deadlines.  I love the deadlines.  A brief must be filed with the court by day X.  Your paper must be no more than 15 pages.  You write it, revise it, sometimes stay up all night changing it, but by day X you have accomplished your feat.  You may win or lose, but you know that you have succeeded in finishing the task.

Not so much with this kid thing.  It's funny because these days whenever someone makes the "happy" comment, I sort of freak.  What if I do something differently and he's suddenly unhappy?  What if it was the strawberry Eggos that made him happy and I switch to blueberry and he goes ballistic and never recovers?  What if my mom no longer being here changes him from George H.W. Bush to George W.?  What if the fact that he is an only child leads him to the path of narcisistic delusional?  Oh, sorry, didn't mean to repeat that last "what if" (kidding).  But you get my point.  Yay, I have raised a child who seems happy even to the untrained eye.  So where is my "you accomplished something" prize?  I'm realizing that this thing is ongoing.  Which is great on the one hand--if you truly screw up, you may not scar the child for life.  But it's also frustrating because it never ends!

I guess we just have to learn to take each victory as it comes and not be so hard on ourselves for the failures.  And, truly, I'm glad it never ends.  Not only do I get an awesome kid to play with, that leaves more victories to be won.  Please let there be victories....

Suggestion Sunday

Hi folks!  Today's Suggestion Sunday involves those of you tuning in from the very Mid-West--Iowa.  Below are a few suggestions for family-friendly activities for the coming week.  Please keep the suggestions (and location ideas) coming! 

Ongoing Library Programs:

Baby Rhyme Time

Central Library

1000 Grand Avenue

The library offers free themed storytelling for parents and babies (ages newborn to 18 months).

invite a friend

Ages: 2 & under

Time: 10am

Cost:

Daily 04/08/11

Shows:

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Des Moines Playhouse

831 42nd Street

A creative participatory story theater program for preschoolers re-imagines the classic tale.

invite a friend

Ages: 4-6

Time: 9:30am, 10:30am & 1:30pm

Cost: $5

And for those far more creative than I out there, try these cool tips for building a portable puppet theater.  http://www.hgtv.com/decorating/how-to-build-a-puppet-theater/index.html.  Seriously, anything from HGTV is over my head, but it looks super cool.  Feel free to bring it by any time this week....

Have a super Sunday, all!

A New Low

We have frequently discussed the fact that I am a bit selfish.  Ok, fine, you probably know me well enough to know that I can be extremely selfish.  But a thought entered my mind the other day that was, well, a new low for me.  It was a fleeting thought, mind you, but it was bad.

As I have mentioned, my son is about to have a birthday.  Because of the mass-insanity that is currently my life, this birthday is not getting quite the attention it deserves.  We are having a get-together and a handful of his friends (and mine) will be there and he will eat cake and all that.  But there will be no professional photographer.  There will be no live elephants and nobody will be dressed as any animal or alien character.  It will be a quiet affair that hopefully he will nonetheless enjoy.  As part of this celebration, he will likely get gifts.  It is possible that among these gifts there will be a gift card or two.  So there is my background.  Now for the horrible thought part....

We have been rearranging our finances and as a result I have had to do without a number of my completely ridiculous perks in life.  For example, I have not had a massage in months.  Poor me.  By way of further example, I traded in my insanely and unnecessarily expensive car for something much more practical.  You get the picture.  So the other day I was online looking at wine refrigerators.  I don't particularly need a wine refrigerator.  Hell, NOBODY particularly needs a wine refrigerator.  But I want one.  And as we have discussed, once upon a time that would have been enough to buy it.  Well, upon realizing that such would not be the case, I actually had the following thought.  I thought to myself:  you know, if the baby gets a Target gift card, I could use that toward the fridge....

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  I would never in a billion years actually do it.  But it was the matter-of-fact, problem-solving way in which I thought it that scared me.  What the heck?  Who would do that???  Sure, the Lohans and maybe the Cyrus family, but generally I don't keep with that crowd (well, I haven't had them to dinner in months, anyway).  Awful.  Simply awful. 

And so, my son, if you read this years from now, know that I didn't even come close to going through with it.  No need to sue mommy.  For this, anyway.

Goodbye Grandma (For Now)

I know that I have mentioned once or twice that my mom has been living in Chicago with us for the past year.  What I haven't mentioned, though, is how much this gesture has affected both my life and that of my son.

I was given an extremely short time in which to decide whether I would ever have a child.  My mother (I now know) had assumed that she would never be a grandmother.  It was something that she had come to terms with.  Not knowing this, I was nervous about telling her that I was going to have a baby.  Ok, it's not so much the baby part as the "and I'm not getting married any time soon" part.  Fully recognizing now how silly it was, I actually had butterflies as she opened her birthday card to find an ultrasound photo.  She went absolutely insane with joy.  And it was this complete high of happiness that I initially thought led her to agree to move to Chicago for a year to help me and to get to know her grandson. 

At first, I didn't know what to think.  I was suddenly thrown into a situation where not only would I have a new little person in my life, I would (for the first time in over a decade) have an adult involved in my daily life.  My mother had never known me as a grown up, really, and I worried that we wouldn't survive the year.  I couldn't have been more mistaken had I tried.

Over the past year I have been so blessed to have a friend, a partner, a confidante and a mother, all wrapped up in one incredible woman.  We have been through a lot of ups and downs and have learned a lot from and about each other.  And together we have met and learned a lot about this precious little boy who brought us together.  From allowing me a few "adult" moments in my life to letting me be a child once in a while, my mother has brightened each and every day of the past 365 through her generosity.  And I cannot begin to describe how much my son adores his Gram-ma-ma-ma. 

Tonight my mom heads back to sunshine and warmth and the life that she put on hold for us.  She has been our safety net and our own sunshine and we will miss her dearly each and every single day.  But we will also be eternally grateful for every moment we had with her.  And, as it's impossible to stop life from changing (boy, don't I know that one these days), we look forward to seeing her in new places and with new excitement. 

So, my dear mother, thank you beyond words for the gift that you have given me.  Our little boy and I love you very much.