What I mean is, I am still surprised at what a massive overhaul he has done on my entire way of thinking. I'm not going to lie--I had this mental image of my life not really being all that different, but-for a cute tiny creature that sat docile on the couch and watched me prepare the world's greatest legal briefs while the foremost restaurants in Chicago brought me food and my friends and I grabbed cocktails before dashing home to our perfectly balanced lives. Um, yeah, that's totally what reality looks like.
But the funny part is, apart from being REALLY crabby about missing my friends and Chicago food, I don't really mind that my life doesn't look like that. It's unsettling, though. What is the most strange part is that I am retraining the focus of my brain. For over a decade, my entire life was my job. It defined me. It took up all of my time (blissfully, with my friends in tow). It was my entire world. Sure, guys came and went and sort of drifted through the world. But the world was mine and it centered on being the best lawyer I could possibly be.
Now, I still want to be the best I can at my job. But. I'm also finding myself unwilling to make it be a 24/7 thing. Or even a 24/5 thing. In fact, 4/3 would be nice. Lately I have been putting in more hours than expected. And it's this strange tug-of-war in my head and soul and I always know who is going to win. I have the impulse to stay as long as needed and do whatever it takes. But I know that I won't. There's a little guy sitting at the door, waiting for me to walk through it. And not letting him down beats out any of the goals my ego sets. It's just so strange to me both that it's an internal battle and that the old me loses hands-down.
Oh, it manifests in other strange ways too. I used to fantasize about having enough money to travel the world or buy whatever I wanted in terms of clothes and accessories and stuff like that. But this morning, I literally told the nanny that I fantasize about having enough money to buy a much larger refrigerator. And I do. Seriously. I scour the papers for the exact one that I want and I sigh as I stare longingly at it. It's very, very weird.
Like any time your focus goes awry, it's a bit unsettling to let go of your previous notions of what life looks like. I'm sure that is true of any big change. Doesn't make it good or bad (though I certainly consider mine good), it's just different. Guess the control freak needs to stop trying to make it clear, and just keep walking.
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